Tuesday, 31 January 2012


Michael Portillo's Great Railway Journeys is all rather lovely.

Gentle TV at its best, Michael cruises around the country in Planters dress, a riot of pink shirts and lime green blazers...He talks to people who would historically hate him like miners and industrial workers, using his nice but dim charms to win them over and hide his obvious intellect. His enthusiasm is infectious, and his knowledge is heart felt and readily shared.

Love this show, the man behind the Poll Tax is completing his rehabilitation in fine style.

Monday, 30 January 2012

Massage the truth

So Ken Livingstone is massaging the truth when it comes to how he will fund the fare cuts in London. Not surprised, saying one thing and doing another is common for all politicians, but my blood boils at how self righteous the Labour Party always seem to be when caught out like this.

Sunday, 29 January 2012

Average Speed Cameras

For those of you too thick to understand how these things work, let me explain to you the basics.

They measure the time it takes for your numberplate to pass from one SPECS camera to the next along the route you travel. So if you have 10 miles of 50 mph enforced with an average speed limit, there will be a number of cameras along that route all registering the exact time that they record your numberplate passing them.

The distance between each camera is known...The time it has taken for your numberplate to travel between them is known. Thus using simple speed = Distance / time (speed = distance divided by time) calculations, the computer rigged up to the cameras knows the numberplate of every single car that has exceeded the trigger speed along the route.

Fines will be dispatched to the registered address of every car that exceeds this trigger speed.

With this in mind. Please observe the following.

  • Do not tailgate me, I am doing at least 54 mph as it is...I have cruise control.
  • Do not overtake me at 90 mph, and then slam your brakes on and drop to 50 mph seconds before the cameras. Your average speed will only drop to something like 88 mph for the x many miles between cameras.
  • Don't try to undertake and weave back in front of people who are playing by the rules. It annoys us, and makes you look like a prick.

If you break these simple rules, I really would like to kill you via vivisection on national television. Watching you scream the house down as you're opened with a scalpel would be just fine by me, you absolute ignoramus and waste of oxygen.

Saturday, 28 January 2012

More Advert Pricks

Soooo...The new BT total broadband advert.

Appears to be a man of mid 20s with his own rather decent pad...Probably a job in IT.

Attempting to move in with him are a couple of students, one male and predictably 2012 looking...Wearing whatever the fashion is today (honestly, I laugh whenever I am forced to endure a few minutes of T4 whilst waiting for The Big Bang Theory to start...WTF are they draped in?), one female who is attractive since ugly women are not used in adverts unless they are part of a joke...We're not that much more evolved as a species than cavemen (sorry cavepeople) are we?

Initially, the pad owner tries to dissuade the male from moving in because there is not enough capacity for his internet connection to cope with 3 laptops. The pretence is obvious...The pad owner would like to ejaculate on the attractive female and does not wish to be cock-blocked by the effeminate she-male she has brought with her.

Naturally when pressed as to which broadband provider the flat owener has chosen, the tech savvy male susses that the router on the sideboard is a BT total broadband router and thus capable of coping with aplomb...Then the female does that annoying "women know everything because white males are the only people you can insult on TV without the thought police getting involved," thing. You know what I'm talking about, she dishes out a little smug attitude and her and her accompanying weak male waltz into this guys flat and move in. Did I mention the male student is called Jay...A shit name, for shit people with aspirational parents.

The flat owner is ginger and on the chubby side, thus making him more worthless than the uber groomed couple...At least they're supposed to be uber-groomed, but to me they just like as though they have anorexia, and the male also has stupid fucking hair. When you're all laughing at the fashions of 2011 in x many years time, probably on a program presented by an ageing Noel Fielding, I will be enjoying my enormous "I told you so," moment because I think the fashions are wank now and I'm usually correct (this from the man who wore stonewash until 1995...God bless a Germanic influenced upbringing).

She's a veterinary student, so not only attractive female, but an attractive female with brains that we males, who are in charge of making family decisions about internet providers, are all supposed to want to whack off over. So naturally in this farce the fat ginger male blows his chance to impress her with a gaffe about being allergic to animals. Marvellous, women are empowered, men are all bumbling twats.

Cue some time later, male with shit hair is on the console in flat owners room...Flat owner is on his laptop...The female waltzes in does some mild flirting and smugly insults the owner again regards his obvious joke. Obvious joke is obvious woman, so take that smug look off your face or you'll taste my ring hand.

I hate adverts. They make me wish for the asteroid to come and finish us all off.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Biased Broadcasting Corporation: Part 2

On a day when the government was able to bring the amount of public borrowing down by £2bn pounds in contrast to last year. All this in order to rescue the public finances from the utter chodes who pissed our cash to the wall with gay abandon...What do you think the BBCs headline is?

Government Debt at record of £1tn.

Great way to spook the sheeple BBC. Great way to flog your anti-Tory agenda. Yes debt is rising, but it is rising at a slowly reducing rate, and hopefully the budget will balance soon enough, allowing the country to pay down some debt and look to the future. I know that the devil is in the detail, but you're well aware that a high percentage of readers only ever read the headline, and your headline will make people think that all the pain and hurt we are suffering (I have felt it too) has been for nothing. But you always did like Labour in charge, even if they are idiots IMHO.

Monday, 23 January 2012

The evil I can only commit in games...

Just minding my own business in Whiterun ( a city in Skyrim) when I am stopped in the street by a rather surly gentleman.

"Do you get to the Cloud District very often?" he barks..."Oh what am I saying - of course you don't... "

For those not familiar with the game, he's basically telling me that I am scum and unworthy of hanging about in the presence of the decision makers of Whiterun.

So to deal with his insult...firstly, yes I do! I am a Thane of Whiterun so the Cloud District is most certainly part of my patch.

Secondly..."Say what Nazeem you cheeky motherfu..! I am Dovahkiin, the hero of Skyrim and friend to all the most powerful people in the country...But most worryingly for you I am also the evil bugger in charge of the Dark Brotherhood and I don't take too kindly to jumped up farty little blow-hards like yourself trying to add inches to their willy!"

The following actions were viewed, almost as a slide-show, through a red mist and a veil of screaming voices. :-)

*Casts Soul Trap*
*Beheads Nazeem with my two handed Ebony Blade named 'Mordegard'*
*Uses Black Soul gem to capture and hold Nazeem's pitiful and withered soul*
*Enchants the cheapest and most feeble steel dagger I could find  with Nazeem's tormented essence*
*Creeps into Nazeem's home at night
*Slits his wife's throat with the same steel blade*
*Imagines Nazeem's torment through glazed eyes, and pulls a shit eating grin*
*Hurls blooded dagger into the sewers of Riften*
*Lets Nazeem rust and suffer forever in a fermenting shit hole*

Don't mess with me, I have unresolved issues...

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Opposition grows to benefit cap

Opposition grows to benefit cap screams the headline.

Opposition certainly isn't growing amongst those who work hard and pay tax, and are worse off than societies burden because so much of their money goes towards paying for others.

Opposition seems to only grow in the hearts of those who can afford to sneer at the Tories, e.g. the Lib Dems, the clergy, the Islingtonites.

Champagne Socialism is seemingly alive and well...About time the silent oppressed majority started shouting a bit louder. We don't mind paying for social welfare, but it must be fair and not given freely to those who seemingly cannot be arsed to work.

Monday, 16 January 2012

The BBC Domesday Project

Any of you older farts remember the Domesday project? The BBC funded desire to collate a picture of the times from the efforts of schoolchildren and locals, and then parcel it up in an expensive laser disk that they'd flog back to schools.

I was in Germany at the time, but we still got a single laser disk player and a copy of the Domesday project at our school (St Andrew's, JHQ, Rheindahlen) to keep us in touch with the motherland.

Being a bit of a Sheldon Cooper, I found Primary school work to be a piece of piss and so was frequently sent out to work on the computers with my more intellectual friends or else we'd become bored and disruptive. We used to sit at the single Domesday project BBC Master machine and, with open mouthed wonder, explore the UK.

I'm busily exploring what I consider to be my hometown of Barnsley...Now, the Domesday project was a product of 1986, so it makes very interesting reading when you open up documents penned by children who are repeating their fathers words (the teachers seemed to just ask children to take some pictures, and ask people in their area about the area...So it's easier to ask dad). Already seen numerous pieces about the miners strike, distilled through a 6 year olds mind.

It's all rather fascinating, 86 being the turning point when the economy got going again and unemployment began to tumble, but poor Barnsley was in the process of being fucked by the death of its key industry in coal mining.

Have also wandered around various former RAF bases and seen how kids interpret their dads jobs. Very telling point about all the Chief Techs being made redundant because there was too many of them at one base, it happens a certain length of time after a recruitment freeze...The promotion goes on, but there aren't enough people at the bottom of the pyramid. Also a wing commanders daughter interviewed her dad...He had an easy life that seemed to consist of cups of tea, eating, and answering the telephone. Ah the Cold War, lots of sitting around waiting for the balloon to go up, and going on oodles of adventure training (piss-ups and paintball) at taxpayers expense.

Sunday, 8 January 2012

HS2. A necessary evil

I am not surprised that so many people are against HS2...Because people are, on the whole, ignorant of the wider world outside their limited sphere.

If you look at the comments on the beeb's have your say bit, it is quite clear to me that the majority of people commenting believe that the project is 'only' about the following and hence should be opposed:-
a) It makes it 20 minutes quicker to Birmingham
b) It costs £32bn right now
c) It will only benefit businessmen who got us into the mess etc
d) It will wreck the Chilterns

They choose to ignore that it is plonking passengers onto a high-speed line in order to free up the WCML corridor for freight and stopping services that serve MK etc. Freight traffic that will bring economic and environmental benefits such as taking lorrys off of the motorways and reducing wasted emissions from traffic congestion...Plus a train pulling 30 odd containers is more economic than 30 trucks.

The negative naysayers choose to ignore the fact that the UK is in competition globally for inward investment and without a robust infrastructure, risks being bypassed in favour of countries that grasp the nettle and don't wish to be seen as museum nations.

They choose to ignore the very real benefits of linking one of the worlds greatest cities to its UK hinterland, in order to share the wealth more fairly throughout the UK. If you bring Birmingham within an acceptable commuting time to London then you will drastically change the prospects of the West-Midlands. Sub 1 hour on a train, centre to centre, would be brilliant.

As it is, many of the sheeple repeat only what scare stories they read about or see on the news...They lack the cognitive ability to independently investigate and come to a reasoned conclusion. Hence minority views are whipped up into a self fulfilling feeding frenzy. Witness the minority that brought roads to prosperity to an end because they opposed linking Southampton Docks to the wider world with something more than a congested old dual-carriageway and/or a crawl through a congested town centre.

During this last round of environmental protest, the media even chose to elevate a protester from the ranks and parade him in front of the cameras. Just think of the further damage to the prosperity to this country if the person they chose was actually able to be funny on his one and only Have I got News for You appearance.

Goods sat in traffic = a loss to the economy that the consumer bares whether directly or indirectly. When put like that I think most of the 'Brighthouse' wonders would baulk at the cost of relying on our ageing and congested infrastructure if they saw just how many £s it added onto the cost of their fags and flatscreen TVs.

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Tales from Skyrim

Skyrim. The northern most country on the continent of Tamriel. Populated by Nords, basically Viking types. The video game Skyrim is set in the aforementioned continent (natch).

This is my character, sat upon my his fine steed...Mr. Sugarlumps.

Notice I am a High-Elf, Altmer, dressed in my finest Elven armour, looking very swish and superior. I like to strut around as a God amongst mortals :D
Knowing all about Skyrim's politics as you do, you're probably aware that the Altmer are part of the Thalmor and the Nords don't like them very much. With this in mind, it was rather entertaining to be allowed to Waltz into the court of Ulfric Stormcloak (chief Nord freedom fighter) in Windhelm without an eyelid even flickering. I was then able to engage in conversation with Ulfric and join his little revolution, and was entrusted with valuable mission data that could have allowed the Thalmor to destroy Ulfric totally with very little effort. Only one minor character thought to sneer "Elf" at me as I walked past.

Another little spot, I do like how my house in Windhelm, still has the bloodstains all over it from an earlier quest scenario involving lots of brutal murder in there! You'd think the steward would have cleaned it for me at some point during the redecoration. Yes, I do like to show my guests "murder corner," where lots of women have been dismembered. Then I wheel out the truckle bed and let them sleep over the gore stains. I find it stops unwelcome relatives from making repeat visits.

To add a little background...A sad moment occurred last night...They...they...Those fucking Forsworn (another faction)...They killed Mr. Sugarlumps!

I spent the next few hours systematically exterminating them without mercy. It's what he would have wanted, after a paradisical carrot.