Wednesday, 25 July 2012

My stand-up

Ah look.

I have been filmed now. Next time, I'll slow the pace down a little bit lol.

Comedy requires time to let people laugh, rather than steamroller them with the next gag before they've had a chance to process the info. Thing is, my mind was running at my normal air-traffic speed and thus, I outpace you peasants.

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

It's here, it's finally here!

Finally, after months of torrid tedious rain, we have our dose of sunshine for 2012. Just makes me chuckle that when I last looked, thunderstorms were predicted to coincide with the opening ceremony of the Olympics. Ah British weather, you have to have the last laugh.

But, what did I hear today? Lots of people whinging about how hot it was, and how uncomfortable they felt. You utter toss-bags! Think back a week...Just remember it. Wall to wall drizzle, damp and cold! Think about how much worse your mood was. Think about how depressing it is to have to bundle yourself up at home and have to seriously consider putting the heating on in July. Now, look out of your window, see the wall to wall blue sky and just think "Mmmmm, nice!" Because I am. I'm going for an ice-cream. F**k you all you miserable bastards.

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Advert Lol

Since I usually spend several hours a day shouting at how piss poor adverts are these days...I figured I'd share some from a simpler time.

Listen up gents, they're telling you how to get laid...And it seems to involve smoke.

No need for that diet is there?

But if you do need a little help.

Sunday, 8 July 2012

Gun pulled during live TV debate

It writes itself doesn't it?

I mean...What the utter hell are you thinking of you stupid prick? It's all about face saving and pathetic machismo bullshit isn't it.

Stupid. Utterly stupid. They both want shooting...


Wednesday, 4 July 2012

The world is full of pricks

Scientists believe they have nailed it, and found a particle that corresponds to what they expect the elusive Higgs-boson to be...This news is popped onto the BBC news page, along with comments enabled for people to add their tuppence worth to it. Cue a bunch of scientifically illiterate arseholes who bemoan the money wasted on a needless experiment...People who feel that since it doesn't deal with climate change, it shouldn't have been funded, people who are so blind that they say "where is the practical value?" and whinge about starving children in Africa etc. I'll address the latter point, give a man a fish etc.

However, these complete toolbags are using the World Wide Web to register their disgust at the money wasted...They're using the World Wibe Web...Invented by Tim Berners-Lee who worked at CERN in order to allow scientists to communicate between distant labs. CERN where they've just found the Higgs-boson like particle (not confirming it yet). Take that fact, and stick it into your pipe, then choke on it you useless tossbag.

Secondly. Climate change...Hmmm...If we nail nuclear fusion, via scientific endeavour, we'll have a near limitless source of carbon free energy. Particle physics is very useful in all sorts of ways when it comes to cracking nuclear fusion. If we understand the very building blocks of nature, we can begin to think about manipulating them to create new and ever more useful elements and compounds...These may then be used to make cheaper and more stable shielding for nuclear fusion reactors.

You know what. Screw all you scientifically illiterate fools...People who wear their lack of knowledge as a badge of honour offend me by their very existence. I despised you when you refused to be educated at school, and I despise you now as you sneer at things you lack the intelligence to comprehend. Oh and, stop pissing money away on religion, pour it into science and reap true rewards. Why pray for the life of a loved one, when you can invest money into medical research?