Saturday, 25 January 2014

IT industry, full of pricks

I'm not talking about those at the bottom who do the donkey work, I'm talking about those who use the supposed voodoo of IT knowledge to rip off the taxpayer. Complete aresholes the lot of them. However, how have we let it get to the stage where IT companies can charge £30'000 to change the text on a webpage? I'll tell you. HR.

That's right. HR haven't got a f**king clue how to organise a piss up in a brewery, let alone decide on IT policy, and yet, and yet...HR are the go to guys/gals at work when it comes to deciding company policy and nailing it to your forehead. So what happens is, IT come in and say "we're highly skilled, don't let anybody touch anything IT related or else...they're bad hackers and selling state secrets to China! Make bad things happen to people who touch IT who are not allowed!"

So you end up with an out of date machine, that is clogged to f**k with old cache files, a fragged hard drive, and zero drivers/software for anything you want to use. You put in a request to have it updated because they control the admin passwords that would allow you to do anything. Naturally they then bill your company well over the odds for 20 minutes work. Indeed less than that, you just start the update cycle off and can do something else like play games. Being the admin, you have games on your machine don't you?

We were told we were not allowed to move PCs round our office once, in a military IT college full of real experts, not 20 year old technicians. Naturally, we did it anyway. "You'll have to flush the taps!" they told us. "Yes, indeed!" So we moved them, and saved the taxpayer several thousands. Some higher up then went ashen and told us that we were in breach of contract with the IT firm. The answer of all involved was "Don't tell them then. They're dicks!" And nobody knew the wiser. Problem solved, 2 hours work to move all the tables and hardware. The machines booted up just fine as we knew they would.

 If somebody rings up an IT helpdesk who has knowledge, patronise them because they don't have the admin passwords and say something entirely made up like "no, it's not that...Your computer has suffering X!" I can see right through your bullshit because I build and maintain my own PCs, and used to work in a highly specialised military technical college that taught IT and beyond. So up yours! Case in point the other day, a laptop could not play video files because the codec was out of date, so a corporate client looked like a fanny.

I could have resolved the issue in 5 minutes max with the admin password. I know how to bypass all of that shit, but if I did it, your thick as f**k minions in HR would probably seek instant dismissal for gross misconduct or something. Blanket application of rules to suppress knowledge does not impress me, it infuriates me you little Hitler bastards. If I didn't have a mortgage to furnish, I'd have done it and up yours. 

Basically, on a Dell laptop, there are websites out there that will let your crack the master BIOS password, for free. Enable the CD driver as the 1st boot device. Boot up a Windows password edit/removal program, spot the password that is ADMIN, and delete the password. Log in as admin (no need for password now). Update the PC, and fuck their fee and waste of your time. But hark, what is that, it's somebody from HR who doesn't understand the world, they want to put you back in your box...Here comes the disciplinary.

Now, as you can see this is why civil servants and other government types are so hamstrung in what they can/can't do. This is also why the IT industry can continue to rip everyone off. They hold the cards, they write the rules, and dammed be the little guy who says "ENOUGH! I know how to do all of what you do, and it will cost nothing!"

Thursday, 19 December 2013

UK 'was inappropriately involved in rendition'

UK 'was inappropriately involved in rendition' Meh. Fuck 'em. The people who are rendered abroad are not nice people. They are not innocent people who live clean lives of good and kindness...They're usually dodgy fuckers who are being watched by 'top men...Top...Men.' So the very fact they're taken abroad and cohereced to talk about the bad things they're up to pleases me.

Saturday, 9 November 2013

Failing France

So, as it turns out, apparently you can't solve a debt crisis by increasing taxes and spending more. Who'd have thought it!

But you lot are still going to vote Labour aren't you because, free money for everybody...Boo to Capitalism and down with da' man etc.
I'm going to continue to be a champagne socialist and use my celebrity status to keep people voting left....But I'm not actually going to share my wealth at all. In the real world, we call that 'doing a bono'.
Oh and look, the view from the hill this morning, showing mammatus clouds. It rained a lot.

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Did I ever tell you I hate HR trainers?

I am a comic, an ex-teacher, an ex military instructor...And I am awesome at working a room and getting people to learn. There are reams of feedback forms that tell me I am a God of educating people.

But, I cannot secure a job as a HR trainer without a CIPD qualification. I don't want one. I really don't because it seems like a shit needless qualification. You can either educate a room, or you can't...It doesn't matter whether you have a piece of paper or not. This is why I am not upset at the governments plans to allow people to teach without a BEd or PGCE. Those bits of paper will say you deliver material to certain standards, but all I found my PGCE did was limit me and stifle my creativity because some bitch thought I should do it her way. Luckily other people let me do it my way and so I was happy. Then I entered the system again and some Dick said I had to do it his way, and I told school teaching to go fuck itself.

But I am a God of educating people. I am not a God of paperwork, homework, bullshit and external forces. Free the teacher, free the school. Let somebody teach as they can teach, and the passion will inspire the room. If they can't do it, the class will soon tell them. Kids are assholes and will expose weakness. It is another debate how discipline will allow good educators to thrive because they want to educate and shouldn't have to be social workers and make up for piss poor parenting. Consistenly bad kids should be broken by Drill Sgts. And screw your opinion if you disagree. You're wrong as always. Deal with it and move on.

Here is a simple way of assessing teaching.
1) Is learning taking place?
2) Is the learning appropriate?
3) Is the learning fun?

That's it. No need for BEd, PGCE, CIPD, OFSTED or any other piece of shit paperwork or pencil pushing idiot to sit in pulling a face. These 3 points will cover all eventualities.

Back to slagging HR trainers with their CIPD crap. The CIPD is a racket, you have to have one...So pay us. No. I don't have to have one. Go out of business!

HR trainers really are shit...I guess the CIPD is where you get your personality removed and replaced with flipchart pens and shitty team games. Did I tell you I loathe HR trainers with a passion? Several times.

This is an example of the kind of shit I have seen in a HR lead training session by some dull individual.
I have seen a Chaka moment in real life and this was pretty much my reaction to it. I will sit out of your activities, I have no shame and find anything I dislike to be not worth bothering with. A trainer made the mistake of trying to make me feel guilty, so I said "I'll be back in half an hour when you've got over this childish crap," then went off to chat to the receptionist for a while, and walked back in with a scotch egg and a coffee when she was working the flipchart paper. "I'm going to sit back and let you do some work now, fill in some shit on the flipchart paper."....I'd rather not.

Sunday, 27 October 2013

Screw you NIMBYS

I hate NIMBYs, I utterly loathe them.

I loathe them and their lies, their deceit, their short sighted approach to the world, and their selfish nature. They are costing people jobs and lives, and we should simply stop listening to the useless sods.

That (IMHO) useless Milliband has motioned that that useless Balls is going to make a decision about HS2 if they get elected. If you elect them, you really have fallen for the "free money for everybody," bollocks that Labour always throw around...And again, for that you must die you simpleton.

Right now, the West Coast, Midland and East Coast Mainlines are either full or approaching capacity. The UK has seen year on year increases in the demand for rail. We need more room for freight, and we need more room for commuters. We cannot accommodate them on the Victorian network we have now. No amount of expansion will work, because we have tried that and it failed. I could link yards of evidence, I could link models showing how trains running at the same speed = increased capacity. I could link case studies of redevelopment from 'less developed' countries than us that show an improved economy in cities that have been connected to High Speed Rail. But I won't. It's too much effort to do, in the knowledge that like religious zealots, antis will not read it. They have already formed their own pathetic and false conclusion that HS2 is about getting rich businessmen to London 20 minutes quicker...Or is about friends of the Tories getting massive construction contracts.

Antis, NIMBYS call them what you will, I am sick of them and so will simply call them deluded thick fools with heads filled with utter bullcrap who are selfishly denying progress to future generations. I loathe them for this.

Years of disruption on the WCML lead to a shed load of cash out the door, and very little improvement in capacity because slow freight, stopping commuters and high speed intercity trains simply do not mix. Right that's your lot. Time to ladle on the abuse some more.

Antis like to point out that the pro' campaigners are worried, as though being worried implies you've lost the debate. Yes we worry...We worry about the antis because hearts rule heads in many cases. Human beings are very often ill informed, and listen to those who shout the loudest, rather than those who put forward a factually robust case that is outlined in a calm and rational manner.

HS2 is a good thing for the nation, there is no doubt about that. The fact that there are people who would be uncomfortable about this statement demonstrates instantly that human beings listen to the shouts over the logic.

Antis stand in the way of progress. They limit the opportunities and life choices of future generations, and yet award themselves the right to be smug about their actions. They think they are fighting an evil, and yet cling to bullcrap arguments like "It's easier to widen the WCML!" or "It will cost £80bn!" They haven't got a clue, and yet their ignorance, selfishness and closed thinking could cost this country billions in investment, jobs, lives... 

The latter point is contentious but suicide often occurs in young males because they feel they have no prospects and thus feel useless. Screwing the Norths chances of connecting to the jobs and prospects created by the global marketplace that is London (and remember, improving commuter services into London, freight links across the UK etc) because of your 'wrong' ideology, is insulting and dangerous.

I loathe anti's. I have loathed them ever since I saw Swampys smug face on HIGNFY.

Get some facts down you and I might listen. Cling to selfish ignorance, and you deserve only ridicule.

"'s my opinion!"

Yes, and your opinion is dogturd. Get over it and move on. Or just die already, I'm sick of hearing your wrong opinions and your wrong lives offend me.

If you fancy putting a spoke in the works of NIMBY pricks, do what I do. You know all these NIMBY prick websites have a little share button that lets you tell the department of transport how you feel. Well click on it, and then point out that NIMBY pricks need gassing.

Saturday, 5 October 2013

Oh Noes time to ban buses unless they are packed with cotton wool.

Woman falls off bus.

So...This is where society leaves us? We're supposed to sympathise with somebody who falls over, and demand that the state step in to protect us from our own inability to take responsibility for our own actions.

Inb4 tedious debate where somebody smugly points out how wearing harnesses on a worksite saves lives etc, and insinuates that I'd like to return to a 1950s era where flat caps and cigarettes will save you from industrial accidents. PPE and safety legislation is wonderful in the working environment.

In this situation, somebody who has spent their life wrapped in cotton wool, took a risk and didn't apply too much thought to the outcome. Natural selection in action. I couldn't care less. Why should we change the rules to suit the lowest common denominator?

"Somebody do something...I made a mistake..." I get the same reaction when I hear parents who have set up a pressure group to legislate about everything because their kids died hanging from Venetian blind cords for example. "Shame for you...But stop trying to change the law to suit."

I have an idea. How about everybody in the world lives inside some sort of nourishing fluid filled shock resistant pod. Robots feed us a nutritionally balanced diet and remove our waste products, and we all have a spanking good time watching TV in our minds.

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Sat Nav Idiots

Oft' times I read about idiots who blindly follow their sat-nav into a river...Or get wedged in a street...or kill somebody.

Sat-nav's should have options to tailor them to your vehicle e.g. Type in the dimensions and weights, even turning circle if known, and it will check this against it's tables. Rather like the FMC in aviation.

I'm sure they have basics already (don't know, never needed to use them) such as HGV or Bus mode? If not, why not?

Perhaps even include a 2 minute chat in driving lessons that covers the main point.

"A sat nav will get you to a destination, but it will not think for you. If the road looks unsuitable, the sat nav will still point you at your destination if you ignore it and keep on the wide, tarmac road through the village...not the 2 foot wide cobbled path that leads down a rollercoaster hill to an antiques market at the bottom."

But what always bothers me about these kinds of stories is the simple fact that so many human beings lack critical thinking. At what point do you look at what the sat-nav is telling you and think "Hmmmm, that street looks like it's made of water. I think I'll go around." or "Hmmmm that road is about 4 pedestrians wide and blocked with tables and chairs, and sandwich boards. Perhaps the company who provides the mapping data would benefit from a correction email?" or "Hmmm watching the road is better than watching a 6 inch screen and ploughing into a cyclist." I wouldn't trust these people with cars if they lack the ability to question environmental inputs and make the correct decisions.

I don't get it. I always think "Sod that!" and go around if the road looks dodgy. I also use street-view and satellite maps to get an impression of my destination so I am familiar with the difficult bits at the end. Saves so much stress and worry.