Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Biased Broadcasting Corporation

Yes it is a cliché, but this is only a small example and hey, I like to kick the bee hive from time to time.

The BBC appear to be putting the boot into Borris's buses.

Notice how the headline on the 'most popular' is "New Routemaster Bus Breaks Down!" This being the headline, it will stick in your mind if you choose not to read the story, thus making you think that the Routemaster buses were a crap idea....Although if you do, you're probably aware of the power of marketing, Veblen goods etc...The new Routemaster is attempting to be a marketable icon. At the very least it is different.

Only if you click on the story are you told that the bus ran out of fuel on the M1 because somebody forgot to fuel it at london before driving it to the Millbrook testing ground.

The copy on the main England page hides the fuel issue in smaller text under the charge of breaking down. Breaking down implies mechanical failure to me, and probably everybody else with more than half a brain. Running out of fuel happens to tossers, but isn't the fault of the vehicle.

But that doesn't let some news editor, with an axe to grind, show Borris in a bad light now does it...Or am I being cynical? Still want to wipe out the BBC though :D

Again disclaimer for anybody who doesn't get that the last statement is a joke.

Friday, 9 December 2011

Hurricane Bawbag

Ignoring all the media joy at the entertainingly christened Hurricane Bawbag, this is probably one of many 'wind events' we'll get this year. Our experience of winter weather, heavily depends on what the jet-stream is up to. Judging by past winters, I guess this one will be mild but blowy simply because the jet-stream appears to want to be over the top of the UK this year.

Often wondered why it's not mentioned as much in UK weather forecasting as it is in the USA.

Last year the jet-stream was south of us most winter, so we had cold polar air sat on top, freezing our proverbial off. This year, it has been slap bang over the UK for most of December, hence every Atlantic low pressure system is being dragged over our heads in succession...Windy windy. If the jet is north of us, then we get mild and damp winters.

Take a look at where it is.

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Patronising advert pillocks

Why do the Innocent smoothie people talk to me like I'm 12 and/or have recently suffered a severe head injury!

Examine the evidence

I can clearly see see numerous examples of toss English here that some marketing wazzock thinks is probably pally and hipster-ish. I just think you're a prick if you like this sort of thing, or think other people would.

big cartons for big families.
smaller cartons for less big families.

Starting a sentence with lower case letters = one punch in the face.
'less big' = a lifetime of being endlessly punched by one awesome man.

smoothies made from nothing but nothing but fruit.

Again, no caps = balls put on grill
repeating nothing but = being made to stand in some hard-ass LA county jail courtyard, and yell the N word over and over until you're educated as to the meaning of diversity.

small people.

Just sod off. They're called children. Punishment is set at being torn apart by wild and rabid dogs.

Thing is, in the endless quest to imitate known brands, supermarkets also splash their smoothie cartons with similar patronising drivel. Tesco go on about "splodging together yummy fruits," ASDA enjoy telling us that they "throw in some zing as they mash together their fruits." The Sainsbury's carton was the most surprising though, it read "open wide, there you go, that was yummy wasn't it...And again, weee, there we go. Oops, dropped a bit let Mummy scoop it up for you...There we go...Doctor, do you think this damage is permanent only I'm sure I saw him smile just then like he used to, before the accident...I'm sure it was the same smile...He's still in there somewhere Doctor I know it...I'm sorry Mrs Wilkins but the damage is really quite severe...WHICH IS WHY WE TALK TO YOU THIS WAY YOU TWAT, YOUR BRAIN IS BROKEN SO YOU CAN ONLY RESPOND TO SIMPLE BABYISH ENGLISH YOU SMOOTHIE DRINKER YOU!

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

The Financial Crisis

Calvin and Hobbes sum it up...All rights reserved to Bill Watterson etc.

Sunday, 14 August 2011

Car based video justice

All you drivers, take heed. Found this a strangely watchable piece of video justice.

I usually just rant and rave in the car about all the fucking dickheads, who should be beaten for, not having the common sense to see that blocking the hard shoulder only makes things worse because it takes longer to clear up the mess afterwards.

You block the shoulder, people can die, but on a selfish level the clean-up wagons can't get to the scene fast enough, ergo road is closed for longer. So this guy has balls of steel.

Monday, 8 August 2011

Bollywood is the best

Robot based asskicking Bollywood style!

Just when you thought it couldn't get any weirder, they go and top it...A giant snake made out of robot blokes...Awesome.

Couldn't work out who was the goody and who was the bady (protagonist and antagonist for those with a university education :whatho: ) All I know is that there will be a lot of children growing up without fathers after that rampage.

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

The Mighty Boosch

I didn't get this until season 2...I was too busy dealing with it in my usual manner, being "Every other hipster and tosser likes it, so it's bound to be bollocks!" But then I was offered Baileys by Old Gregg and 'got' the message.

*adopts posh 1960s band member interview voice. Derek Smalls like timbre*

I think you'll find...yeah...That the Boosch are like the inner child, that wasn't correctly exorcised from your soul by the tedium of education...You know it's like, they're talking, Julian and Noel are talking to that part of you that really wants to throw a tantrum in B&Q because your inability to find the paint you want reminds you of a childhood episode in Great Mills DIY, where your mum bought you a packet of Revels when you wanted the Malteasers. She says they're the same, but they're not. The Malteasers in the Revels packet have been tainted by the volatiles emanating from the Orange and Coffee flavoured ones.

So yeah like...*audible sound of a herbal cigarette being enjoyed*...Noel is like the chaos of childhood, and Julian is like the order yeah. The two of them have this sort of ying-yang vibe going on that's totally...Different. I mean it's totally far out and removed from the norm.

Their comedy can speak across generations, if you let it take you. I surrendered to them a few years ago, but it took an Ayoade sized skit to force me through the tinsel drapes onto the stage of recognition, before the crowd of understanding, where I had to perform the monologue of absorption.

The monologue in question was called...The crunch.

Thursday, 9 June 2011

Financial Fun and Frolics

Does anybody else think that it is all just a giant confidence game where every time a negative decision, action or result comes in, it just spawns more negativity?

Thus the whole thing becomes a self exciting dynamo of fail. Can't help but thinking that QE should go into the pockets of the taxpayer directly...Many of us would transfer it to the banks via paying off debt and thus increasing our spending power by the repayments per month. They'd get their pound of flesh and the consumer would be more likely to buy things in shops since they'd be x hundred pounds a month happier after clearing debt repayments away, thus hopefully increasing demand and starting the system turning. As it is, the money seemingly vanishes into the pockets of the rich.

Also, the media seem to enjoy telling us we're all fucked, thus further increasing the feeling of helpless doom and driving consumer confidence lower. Worth an experiment to *sinisterly begins to tilt head to side* silence the media regarding the economy in an attempt to control people's mood, don't you think.

Saturday, 28 May 2011

I despair at the human race.

I did write a long winded argument decrying how social comforts and too much choice allow people to think they can do stupid fucking things that need nipping off at the bud...But, to be honest...The only people I care about in this issue are the kids...I fear they will be damaged by their upbringing, and will certainly be damaged by the application of societal pressure to conform, because those pressures will be issued by children who are hardly the most diplomatic beings on the planet.

Many of you may have seen an OU show that focused on childhood development, and in one nasty scene the dry commentary is busy explaining how the children were imposing order in the playground in a primitive manner i.e. some poor kid in a snorkle parka was being followed and pushed about by a jeering mob...You then hear the camera crew shout at the bullying mob and the dry commentary continues "This behaviour is interrupted when the camera-crew choose to apply their own adult societal perspective and intervene." Rightly so.

These kids will be bullied to fuckery, and that is wrong.

I'm reminded of Psamtik I and his experiment to see where language came from by wrecking the lives of some children.

Whilst this could be seen as no different to what people do all the time with their children, i.e. impose their views upon them and create semi-clones or religious nutjobs etc...This little scenario seems to fly in the face of nature, hormones, chromosomes etc.

Friday, 20 May 2011

Fish Finger dinner

The humble fish finger sandwich is a work of art.

I'm sure that Jamie Oliver has made a version for laddish twats...Probably called it something like 'Jamie's Dad's Post Pub Finger banger...' Complete with a poorly written back story about said relative naming it after some night out cavorting or other...And the sheeple lap it up and buy lots of his books.


Fish fingers...How many? 4 of course, 2 slices of white, a cheese slice and some mayo. Then if you're feeling particularly hungry (perhaps after a poorly written back story event) make another 4 fish finger sarnie, on white, but this time with Maggi sauce on them.


Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Controlling Ejaculation

Ninja Style

Seriously though...WTF? I mean, the music alone is now stuck in my head...and if I want to see two beefcakes and a ninja play with their bollocks, I've got a guy I call to sort me some of that out...

The whole thing is an unintentional masterwork of comic genius.
  • Their deadpan straight faces that don't even crack, even when they're jostling their nads, on camera, 81 times after minute 3.
  • The cheesy music.
  • The constant repetation of the words 'testicles' and 'anal muscles.'
  • Plus, the two topless fellas made me think that Hall and Oates have been hitting the gym.

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

New TV Comedy

So. Plenty of new comedy on TV at the moment.

Fast and Loose?

Notice Dan Patterson (the man behind Whose Line is it Anyway), is the driving force of this little show. I quite like it, simple throwaway fun for a Friday...Plus it brings Laura Solon and her square (yet somehow alluring) jaw to the screen, and I've always had a thing for Jess Ransom after seeing her in Georgian finery on the Armstrong and Miller show, being chatted up in a most salacious way.

10 o'clock live.

Charlie Brooker, Carr and Mitchell, churning out the same stuff with a hefty hint of bias, but then again that is what channel 4 is about. Entertaining, but having a baying student age audience kind of influences the style of humour that will get a laugh. Do like how Carr is clearly enjoying pushing the boundaries. Lauren is always going to make me throw out the question "what happened to the other females in Kenickie?" You remember them? The fat one? TV is cruel.

TV ruined your life

Charlie Charlie Charlie, what have you done? Chased the pound notes in order to fund your lifestyle (probably a millionaire with his missus now). It appears to be a straight forward regurgitation of Screenwipe, I have noticed several jokes and scenarios repeated...And since Screenwipe was his column turned into TV, it is a case of money for old rope. Cue lots of comments and clichés from me in the vein of returning to the well once too often.