Sunday, 2 October 2011

Patronising advert pillocks

Why do the Innocent smoothie people talk to me like I'm 12 and/or have recently suffered a severe head injury!

Examine the evidence

I can clearly see see numerous examples of toss English here that some marketing wazzock thinks is probably pally and hipster-ish. I just think you're a prick if you like this sort of thing, or think other people would.

big cartons for big families.
smaller cartons for less big families.

Starting a sentence with lower case letters = one punch in the face.
'less big' = a lifetime of being endlessly punched by one awesome man.

smoothies made from nothing but nothing but fruit.

Again, no caps = balls put on grill
repeating nothing but = being made to stand in some hard-ass LA county jail courtyard, and yell the N word over and over until you're educated as to the meaning of diversity.

small people.

Just sod off. They're called children. Punishment is set at being torn apart by wild and rabid dogs.

Thing is, in the endless quest to imitate known brands, supermarkets also splash their smoothie cartons with similar patronising drivel. Tesco go on about "splodging together yummy fruits," ASDA enjoy telling us that they "throw in some zing as they mash together their fruits." The Sainsbury's carton was the most surprising though, it read "open wide, there you go, that was yummy wasn't it...And again, weee, there we go. Oops, dropped a bit let Mummy scoop it up for you...There we go...Doctor, do you think this damage is permanent only I'm sure I saw him smile just then like he used to, before the accident...I'm sure it was the same smile...He's still in there somewhere Doctor I know it...I'm sorry Mrs Wilkins but the damage is really quite severe...WHICH IS WHY WE TALK TO YOU THIS WAY YOU TWAT, YOUR BRAIN IS BROKEN SO YOU CAN ONLY RESPOND TO SIMPLE BABYISH ENGLISH YOU SMOOTHIE DRINKER YOU!