Did I ever tell you I hate HR trainers?

I am a comic, an ex-teacher, an ex military instructor...And I am awesome at working a room and getting people to learn. There are reams of feedback forms that tell me I am a God of educating people.

But, I cannot secure a job as a HR trainer without a CIPD qualification. I don't want one. I really don't because it seems like a shit needless qualification. You can either educate a room, or you can't...It doesn't matter whether you have a piece of paper or not. This is why I am not upset at the governments plans to allow people to teach without a BEd or PGCE. Those bits of paper will say you deliver material to certain standards, but all I found my PGCE did was limit me and stifle my creativity because some bitch thought I should do it her way. Luckily other people let me do it my way and so I was happy. Then I entered the system again and some Dick said I had to do it his way, and I told school teaching to go fuck itself.

But I am a God of educating people. I am not a God of paperwork, homework, bullshit and external forces. Free the teacher, free the school. Let somebody teach as they can teach, and the passion will inspire the room. If they can't do it, the class will soon tell them. Kids are assholes and will expose weakness. It is another debate how discipline will allow good educators to thrive because they want to educate and shouldn't have to be social workers and make up for piss poor parenting. Consistenly bad kids should be broken by Drill Sgts. And screw your opinion if you disagree. You're wrong as always. Deal with it and move on.

Here is a simple way of assessing teaching.
1) Is learning taking place?
2) Is the learning appropriate?
3) Is the learning fun?

That's it. No need for BEd, PGCE, CIPD, OFSTED or any other piece of shit paperwork or pencil pushing idiot to sit in pulling a face. These 3 points will cover all eventualities.

Back to slagging HR trainers with their CIPD crap. The CIPD is a racket, you have to have one...So pay us. No. I don't have to have one. Go out of business!

HR trainers really are shit...I guess the CIPD is where you get your personality removed and replaced with flipchart pens and shitty team games. Did I tell you I loathe HR trainers with a passion? Several times.

This is an example of the kind of shit I have seen in a HR lead training session by some dull individual.
I have seen a Chaka moment in real life and this was pretty much my reaction to it. I will sit out of your activities, I have no shame and find anything I dislike to be not worth bothering with. A trainer made the mistake of trying to make me feel guilty, so I said "I'll be back in half an hour when you've got over this childish crap," then went off to chat to the receptionist for a while, and walked back in with a scotch egg and a coffee when she was working the flipchart paper. "I'm going to sit back and let you do some work now, fill in some shit on the flipchart paper."....I'd rather not.

Spider Bro

There is a spider that lives in the corner of a room downstairs. He is only little at the moment, so I don't feel the need to kill him. But I wonder where his life will lead or what he will do in future.

Also...The corner of the room is a shitty place to have a home surely.

Me: Mr Spider, may I ask you...What are doing in the corner of the room?

Spider: Well, it's warm, dry, cosy and I can see everything that goes on up here with my 8 eyes.

Me: Surely you can see that since I keep the house very clean, that there is nothing to eat in the corner of the room?

Spider: No no, you are mistaken my friend. I make my web in this corner everyday, and one day something will fly into here and I will eat it. It's the perfect location.

Me: But it isn't. I've never seen you eat anything.

Spider: Spiders, like me, don't need to eat as often as you humans do. I can survive for months without a single snack.

Me: But that defies thermodynamics surely? You require energy to exist. The only way you get it is by eating things.

Spider: Indeed, but I just don't bother moving, or growing if I can't find anything to eat.

Me: But, that's crap. Why not move outside, spin your web between a few blades of grass like that fat bugger over by the pond, and you'll be eating mossies all day.

Spider: But, him, out there, he's Steve by the way...That's what he's always wanted. I am happy where I am. I get by, and I'm content. I don't want to spend all my life chasing the mossies around the slack water.

Me: But,

Spider: The candle burns at both ends my friend. Be happy with what you have.

Me: Right. Screw the mystical bullshit. You've chosen a crap place to spin a web, and in an attempt to add meaning  to your failure, you choose to spin a web of deciet around the tragedy that is your life.

Spider: Think what you like, you are merely projecting your anxiety onto a spider who is happy with his lot.

Me: No, don't do this, don't spin this around...I am berating you for your failings and demanding that you move on, and out of my home. Go and see something of the world, make something of yourself before I find you half in and half out of your skin, dead from the effort of shedding.

Spider: Once I saw a wasp flying round the ceiling fan and I thought "I'll have him, if he comes over here!" But he proceeded to kill himself by banging against the window for 8 hours. That taught me something.

Me: What?

Spider: That wasp continued to repeat the same action over and over again, until he died. He couldn't see that, had he merely reversed course and went towards the patio, he could have escaped. He could have set himself free by seeing things differently. Instead, he trapped himself. It was tragic

Me: Enough spider. Enough. I see what you are doing...I cannot do what you will, for I lack the money to do it.

Spider: Is money the answer? Or is it will.

Me: Look, I will not take advice from a creature who, when confronted with a threat, falls to the floor and runs to hide under the nearest dark space. Naturally the dark space is my shadow, thus I kill you in primeval fear.

Spider: I choose not to do this. I choose contemplative inertia.

Me: Fine. I'm going to do to you what you want me to do. I'm going to move you on, and I will move on tomorrow...Deal?

Spider: Deal.

Alas, the spider, who had the voice of Ricardo Montalban, fell to the floor when I attempted to capture him in a glass...Thus I killed him in primeval fear. He looked up at me through his 8 dying eyes and whispered.

Spider: Be the man you know you can be.

Then the orchestra began to play, and it all faded out on me yelling. I awoke several hours later in hospital, the doctor told me that surviving on neat Absinthe and a diet of mint Matchmakers was probably not a good idea.