Thursday, 14 February 2013

The Great Horsemeat Scandal

When I was a child, I used to eat horse meat. Shock, horror, you animal...How dare you eat the lovely Gee-gees.

Know what? They taste fabulous, horse meat frikadellen from a German deli, mmm-mmm. At least twice a month, mum would have horsey frikadellen in the carrier bags, or we'd go get some from the schnelly. Plenty of iron, an intense 'meaty' flavour like you have added stock cubes to your ground beef, nothing wrong with it at all.

So, to arise every morning and complete my morning ritual with Susanna Reid and Sally Nugent teasing me in short skirts, and find that people are screaming blue murder about horse meat being in their value mince...Well, fuck. What is the problem people? Why does 'health' keep getting bandied around? horse meat isn't crawling with disease you know, just because it is horse. Why do obese northern mothers (my mum is northern and not obese) keep appearing on my screen, with their snot nosed little turdy children alongside them, mouths ragged and raw from chowing down on high sugar and acidic artificial confectionery; demanding that the government think of the children and pillory some slaughterhouse manager... Or give them more free money.

Dear Mr. Government. My little Jayden (a shit modern name, usually coupled to a poorly behaved specimen of troublesome humanity, fit only for the salt mines) ate some horses meat at school. Give me free monies or I will sue you. The nice man in the shiny suit says I can put a case on you.

FUCK OFF you idiots. Why the objection to eating horse? Granted the deception could be a trifle irritating, like if you purchase a phone online, and the arse-goblin in some feckless third world shithole sends you a photograph of a phone...I would go to war over that. I would wipe out your country with nuclear fire just to ensure I got you for the insult, you turd...Anyway where was I? Oh yes. The deception can be annoying. You purchase cheap beef mince, and 90% of it is horse. But unless somebody tells you, do you really know the difference? Unless the meat smells off, and/or has things wriggling about in it, it is very unlikely to do you harm. If anything, horse meat is likely to be better for you, containing less fats and more minerals/vitamins. But no need to keep off over a deception, no need to call it a scandal. Just say "oh you, silly sods, here's a fine and next time label your product!" Don't put the firm out of business, because those are people's jobs at the end of the day...Fine the owner his sodding great car or house.

Plus, would it hurt the people of the UK to broaden their palette a little? In a time of increasing competition for food and resources, declaring whole swathes of the animal kingdom as 'off menu' because historically we don't eat that thing over there, we eat them things over there, just seems a little odd. You know my theory on the matter, there are too many people and yes I am qualified to decide who lives and dies. You need only observe the High Street on a Friday night, and perhaps watch driving behaviour in any town centre around Christmas. So yes, unless we start prohibiting breeding and culling the feckless thick fucks, pretty soon we shall start adding cats and dogs to the menu because Earth cannot support all of us indefinitely.

Bring on the horse meat, tasty, lean, cheap.

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