Where do you begin with these arseholes?

Argentina, a country stolen from a native population by European invaders...But since that happened a long time ago, it has become a moot point and it is generally accepted that Argentina has the right to self determination. A chance to vote in its own corrupt and idiotic rulers, who fleece the crap out of the place, bring the economy to its knees and generally squander the future of the population (rather like the UK then, oh ho ho ho).

But what does a plastic faced near transexual (IMHO), do when the country she is running is falling apart at the seams, why she looks for a diversion and points to some islands on the map nearby that she thinks should belong to her country. "If I scream and shout and demand these islands and complain and bitch, people will not pay attention to how I am skull-fucking the national exchequer!" Just like in 1982, when times is hard, rattle the sabre. I know there is a whole generation of people in the UK who hate Thatcher and think the Falklands war of '82 was wrong because we sank a ship and killed some people and blah blah blah. But those people are historically ignorant fuckwits and are welcome to comment, I'll just mock them with facts and abuse in equal measure because I have emotions approaching hatred for those kind of people. Weak people who like to whip themselves in a hair shirt to show how awesome and pious they are...In the absence of having a religious cause to follow, because they're secular (like me, but I am scientifically secular and seek no cause), they award themselves their own type of self and personal hatred to follow.......I'll leave it there, but there are whole essays to compile about self hating westerners, and the reasons behind their self imposed misery.

Anyway, I digress as usual. Oh yes...So Argentina then. It's going tits up, and is hence pestering the UK with its bullshit cause again. Give us back some land that is nearby and we think should be ours...And this isn't because there is potentially lots of oil around it. Kirchner wrote a letter to the UN and David Cameron, demanding that the UK talk to her re: sovereignty of the Falklands, and craftily published her letter in the Guardian and the Independent...The former paper is an uber leftie rag that is failing, read by the aforementioned self hating westerner types, the latter hides its left leaning nature behind the cloak of being independent. Being published in those papers gave her a chance of being heard by the flagilists who read them, the rest of us just point and laugh and mention that:

• The Kelpers (Falkland Islands Population) have lived there since before Argentina gained independence from Spain.
• Spain recognises the Falklands as British Territory.
•  Argentina is a product of Colonialism, much of it was also stolen from Peru.
• Argentina only exists because the Pope thought he had the right to divvy the globe up.
• The UN dictates that everyone has the right to self-determination.
• The Kelpers choose to be British.
• Argentina invaded in 1982 and took the islands by force.
• The captain of the Belgrano has publicly stated that the UK was well within its rights to sink it.
• Argentina has been pushing its claim again, ever since oil was found.

Using Kirchner's argument, I propose that we claim big chunks of France for the UK, because they expelled us way back in history, and it's only 20 odd miles away at its closest. The Falklands are about 500km (300+ miles) away from Argentina, so since France is only 20 something away from the UK, surely that means we have a HUGE right to claim it then.

Oh and, get a load of this BBC Linky. The Have your Say comments are laughable, and populated by historically ignorant tossbags.

Some quotes, that I have annotated with my insightful and well argued responses...

"The way to defuse this is by making the Falklands as international and multi cultural as possible, so that all sorts of folk from all corners of the world can live and work there.

Digging in & flag waving is precisely wrong thing to do. That is playing the Argentine game. National boundaries are falling away everywhere. Increase Falklands links with Chile & Brazil. Only sensible way to carry on" My response. Oh fuck off.

"It is an island which is 8000 miles from the UK.

Give the Malvinas back, we don't want another war." My response. Oh fuck off.

"$6 Trillion, is the value of the 60 Bn barrels of crude under Falkland Islands.

Let's face it, the UK is going to do everything it can to keep six trillion dollars even if that means sending marmite to the islands every second week.

That will ensure they vote the right way at the election !! My response. Oh fuck off.

You get the point. Come the revolution, those tossbags will be in the soil quick sharp ;-)

Fuel Rage

Why is it that the rest of the human race are such simpletons?

ASDA petrol station near me has its entrance placed in such a way that if muppets make a queue above a certain length, then the whole entrance to the retail park is blocked AND this blockage then spreads miles across town.

So, strolling past today, there was a queue of f-ing simpletons all lined up indicating to go into the petrol station and blocking the place solid again.

Why the f**k don't they just think..."You know what, since I'm not an inconsiderate C word, I think I'll come back another time rather than sit here with the arse of my car blocking the entrance to the retail park this close to Christmas."

These same f-ing simpletons then lazily fill their cars with zero sense of urgency, and/or fight with the card payment machine...And go and get somebody out of the superstore to fill the receipt machine because they can't read the f-ing instructions that say you can insert your card into another machine at a later date to get the receipt you so desperately need in order to claim your VAT back from the British taxpayer.

I watched them today...Oh yes I watched them...and I plotted to hang them with rope darts Assassins Creed 3 style. But seriously, having observed the simple lack of ability that people have regards thinking about the wider consequences of their actions...I wish for a great cleansing. A cull of the stupid, a slaughter of the blinkered and a mass burial of the great fuckwittery that infests my nation.

Another School Shooting

This. Time for much grief tourism me-thinks. Look at me, I've commented on tragedy, that makes me important...Can I have some views/likes please? Fucking idiots.

Migration

So, the number of foreign-born residents in England and Wales has risen by nearly three million since 2001 to 7.5 million people, the 2011 census shows. As usual the left are busy saying "Daily Mail," over and over again, as though this is enough to stifle debate over how people are feeling regards this issue that began on Neue Arbeit's watch. The right are being mocked and told not to discuss it as always because a casual use of the 'racist' card = people rightly pissed off and wronged. Does make me laugh as to how some of the most racist and conservative people I know, are habitual Labour voters...Clinging to some bygone ideal that the Labour party are the party of the common man.

Most people find it hard to debate somebody once they've thrown the racist card onto the table. Partly because you want to knock the smug and wrong little shits teeth down their throat, but also because no matter how much logic and reason you use, the card players think they're Jesus and/or their shit doesn't stink.

As a former teacher, I used to love playing with people's opinions with regards these difficult questions. Phrase a question as something multi-culti and friendly e.g. "Should we welcome people from other countries here, to settle and escape hardship...Share the wealth Amen." and all the nicely Labour educated kids would nod and agree and pat each other on the back about how welcoming and understanding they are. Then I would play with it and ask "Should we build houses, power stations, sewerage works, motorways, high-speed rail?" and there would be a chorus of disapproval. So, how are we going to accommodate the needs of all these people we welcome to the country then...If we don't build anything? You could see all their faces drop...Does not compute.

I love to throw this into debates with token lefties the far gone ones and not the general nice people, who are educated liberal, but the twats...How many people who are in favour of mass immigration have opposed new housing developments in their area either on brownfield or green-belt land? In my experience there is a broad link between such immigration advocates and 'Nimbys'. They turn purple and try to play the race card, my answer being "put that shit back in the deck and address the wider issue...Our country is a rather full tiny little island...Judging by the amount of traffic on the roads, the amount of energy we use and the amount of turds we flush, we are near full-to-burst. It's not about race, colour, creed or gender; it's about space and looking after those we have already! Do you agree?"

Usually I have them marching off in anger to find somebody who agrees with them...Somebody who likes to live in their happy little box of multi-culti love, and yet who tends to live in the burbs and sends their children to an all white British school.

RIP Patrick Moore

Saddened to hear of the death of Patrick Moore. It'll probably surprise nobody that I like dishevelled opinionated amateur clever people. Watched Sky at Night for years with my dad, still watch it today, but have noticed him take less and less of an active role for the last 5 years or so...That's sadly what age does to you. We'll all get there some day, if we live well...Old and failing.

There's something humbling about pondering the vastness of the universe and I'll miss Patrick there as part of my continuing education re: the cosmos.

Can always remember the Beagle 2 Christmas fiasco when light entertainers were attempting to make Beagle into some kind of family event, and Clive Anderson ended up pissing Patrick off with his childish babbling. Science is science, there are shows to make it accessible out there that don't patronise the experts, and Patrick's show was one of them. Deep but accessible...How long will it last in its current format before they destroy it.

Comedy musings

I've sort of turned my comedy into some kind of dark therapy these days.

I just can't seem to make idle observations about life and then spin-them ever so slightly to the left or right in order to make people laugh at the light stuff. I can't do it...Correction, I can do it, but I don't enjoy doing it. Surely comedy is also about the performer themselves having fun within their own carefully defined parameters?

I was discussing Youtube vids in front of a crowd of 15-20 people in a pub in North London, and in particular one clip of a pop video...You know, them pop videos you have today, on the internets and the wifis and the Android markets...it seemed to feature a lot of zooming in and out, I made the throwaway comment 'I thought..."this amount of zooming in and out is specifically reserved only for porn videos." Which, triggered the biggest laugh of my night. A casual remark, sold with enough nonchalance, seems to bring bigger laughs than a carefully thought out twisty turny routine built on callbacks, layers, and idiots answers.

There was another time when my routine about the death of the English language was going down like a maths test last thing on a Friday...So I began to berate the audience's lack of engagement and they loved it. They loved the fact that I lost my rag with them and began to mock them from a position of superiority. However, what sold that one was I began to put on my Yorkshire accent (half my family hail from Yorkshire so I can nail it) and say things like "Is this what you want? A northern man talking about things from the north in the 1980s? Like Dandelion and Burdock? and Swizzels-Matlow from New Mills Derbyshire...Ooo remember Sherbet Dib-dabs, I do. The stick was yellow wasn't it. It tasted like burning lemons. What is Burdock? It sounds like a chip-shop. Chips in newspaper. Burdocks fish n chips on a Friday, thanks mum. 5p a bus ticket. BFH that's your bus-fare home!" Basically I unleashed a mocking tirade of northern observational clang syndrome on them and it seemed to go down well. The barman said he'd not seen anybody get laughs like that in a while and that my 'act' was brilliant.

It was an act, but with 90% of it inspired by control freakery. John Richardson does this brilliantly, he gets angry over the little annoyances in life and weaves it into stories that people can relate to. I have a million and one similar stories that I'd like to turn into routines, but it seems that commercial success in comedy lies with simple observation of a halcyon northern childhood.

So the dark therapy is, simply playing up to this...Getting angry at the crowd for not liking my self indulgent ramblings, and so turning my thoughts into a mockery of the wants and needs of the crowd, that simultaneously refreshes them.

Follow any of this? I didn't.

Skyfall

Watched Skyfall last night...45 minutes of adverts before the film. Forty-fucking-five minutes of people trying to sell me shit. Half the adverts were those pretentious ones that try to sell you an experience instead of a product.

The one that annoyed me the most was for Levi's jeans, because it featured some *cough* inspirational urban poetry about seizing control of life...Because you buy some jeans. Carpe Diem, you're wearing Denim, like 70% of the human race. YOLO so you may as well do it in a hard wearing fabric that has a massive price premium slapped onto it because it is branded. I notice that their Youtube channel has "Go Forth," as it's motto...Well, that is the start of the clean insult we used to use at school when we feared teachers. "Go forth and multiply." So go do it Levi's. You have ticked the A of AIDA with regards me.

But I'll never buy your over-priced pretentious product ever. I am immune to the Veblen Goods effect it seems, I go the other way on principle. BMW, never. AUDI, nope. Rolex, bollex. Cavier tastes like Jizz ("how do you know? etc etc), Champagne is nowhere near as refreshing as Asti Spumante.

Once again I want to yell at you all for not seeing the Emperor is stark bollock naked. I am sick of Planet Earth, and want to see humanity destroyed on the basis of that one crap advert alone. I would link it here but Levi's smugly ask you to subscribe in order to see their latest commercial. Oh...piss off with that, you're not that important, you are chiefly known for making jeans for heaven's sakes.

Oh, and the rest of the shit they were trying to flog was along these lines "buy this watch, it has 007 on it, here's the James Bond music..." or "buy this fragrance it has 007 on the bottle, so it makes you a beefcake secret agent...Oh and here's the music!"

I was so pissed off watching the clock tick round, and there were so many false dawns when I thought we were getting somewhere. The overly loud "this cinema has some loud speakers in it, designed by some cock (THX)," adverts that usually promise the movie is here gave me hope, but no. "There's still time for a coke!" followed by "turn your phone off," followed by more movie trailers for shitty ones about teenagers singing and dancing.

 The film was good...But after paying nearly a tenner for a seat on a Friday night, I don't want 45 minutes of utter shite before starting. At least some arsebeard didn't sit in front of me this time. That would have really gotten my goat.