Skyfall

Watched Skyfall last night...45 minutes of adverts before the film. Forty-fucking-five minutes of people trying to sell me shit. Half the adverts were those pretentious ones that try to sell you an experience instead of a product.

The one that annoyed me the most was for Levi's jeans, because it featured some *cough* inspirational urban poetry about seizing control of life...Because you buy some jeans. Carpe Diem, you're wearing Denim, like 70% of the human race. YOLO so you may as well do it in a hard wearing fabric that has a massive price premium slapped onto it because it is branded. I notice that their Youtube channel has "Go Forth," as it's motto...Well, that is the start of the clean insult we used to use at school when we feared teachers. "Go forth and multiply." So go do it Levi's. You have ticked the A of AIDA with regards me.

But I'll never buy your over-priced pretentious product ever. I am immune to the Veblen Goods effect it seems, I go the other way on principle. BMW, never. AUDI, nope. Rolex, bollex. Cavier tastes like Jizz ("how do you know? etc etc), Champagne is nowhere near as refreshing as Asti Spumante.

Once again I want to yell at you all for not seeing the Emperor is stark bollock naked. I am sick of Planet Earth, and want to see humanity destroyed on the basis of that one crap advert alone. I would link it here but Levi's smugly ask you to subscribe in order to see their latest commercial. Oh...piss off with that, you're not that important, you are chiefly known for making jeans for heaven's sakes.

Oh, and the rest of the shit they were trying to flog was along these lines "buy this watch, it has 007 on it, here's the James Bond music..." or "buy this fragrance it has 007 on the bottle, so it makes you a beefcake secret agent...Oh and here's the music!"

I was so pissed off watching the clock tick round, and there were so many false dawns when I thought we were getting somewhere. The overly loud "this cinema has some loud speakers in it, designed by some cock (THX)," adverts that usually promise the movie is here gave me hope, but no. "There's still time for a coke!" followed by "turn your phone off," followed by more movie trailers for shitty ones about teenagers singing and dancing.

 The film was good...But after paying nearly a tenner for a seat on a Friday night, I don't want 45 minutes of utter shite before starting. At least some arsebeard didn't sit in front of me this time. That would have really gotten my goat.

Advert Lol

Since I usually spend several hours a day shouting at how piss poor adverts are these days...I figured I'd share some from a simpler time.

Listen up gents, they're telling you how to get laid...And it seems to involve smoke.

No need for that diet is there?

But if you do need a little help.

TV Advert Staples

Ladies. When you've finished shaving your legs, do you feel the need to drape some silk across them and/or cross them a lot or leap around like a startled fawn, clumsily clashing your legs together like you've only just learned to use them.

Men, when you've finished shaving do you make a pleased face and nod at yourself in the mirror whilst dragging your hand across your freshly shorn chops against the grain...Plus do you still have stubble anyway.

Kids, does your every action have to be accompanied by jingly jingly xylophone music and the parps and toots of a kazoo or similar wind instrument...Often a woman with a hint of an accent will call you a babeh (as in babe - eh?).

Dogs. Are you a dumb stupid bloke with a working class and/or over excited accent...You're frequently outsmarted by...

Cats. Are you a sophisticated and patronising silky voiced woman with a narcissistic personality complex?

Men, why are you thick as shit and unable to complete the most simple tasks without receiving a withering stare from the women in your family.

Teenagers, do you always act like the world owes you a living, and your time on the planet is spent saying "Dad!" in an exasperated tone whilst storming upstairs.

Anybody playing a computer game, why do you use an N64 control pad to play something on the Xbox360? Or why is your modern game sporting sound-effects produced by a 1980s C64.

TV adverts. Populated by shit stereotypes.

More Advert Pricks

Soooo...The new BT total broadband advert.

Appears to be a man of mid 20s with his own rather decent pad...Probably a job in IT.

Attempting to move in with him are a couple of students, one male and predictably 2012 looking...Wearing whatever the fashion is today (honestly, I laugh whenever I am forced to endure a few minutes of T4 whilst waiting for The Big Bang Theory to start...WTF are they draped in?), one female who is attractive since ugly women are not used in adverts unless they are part of a joke...We're not that much more evolved as a species than cavemen (sorry cavepeople) are we?

Initially, the pad owner tries to dissuade the male from moving in because there is not enough capacity for his internet connection to cope with 3 laptops. The pretence is obvious...The pad owner would like to ejaculate on the attractive female and does not wish to be cock-blocked by the effeminate she-male she has brought with her.

Naturally when pressed as to which broadband provider the flat owener has chosen, the tech savvy male susses that the router on the sideboard is a BT total broadband router and thus capable of coping with aplomb...Then the female does that annoying "women know everything because white males are the only people you can insult on TV without the thought police getting involved," thing. You know what I'm talking about, she dishes out a little smug attitude and her and her accompanying weak male waltz into this guys flat and move in. Did I mention the male student is called Jay...A shit name, for shit people with aspirational parents.

The flat owner is ginger and on the chubby side, thus making him more worthless than the uber groomed couple...At least they're supposed to be uber-groomed, but to me they just like as though they have anorexia, and the male also has stupid fucking hair. When you're all laughing at the fashions of 2011 in x many years time, probably on a program presented by an ageing Noel Fielding, I will be enjoying my enormous "I told you so," moment because I think the fashions are wank now and I'm usually correct (this from the man who wore stonewash until 1995...God bless a Germanic influenced upbringing).

She's a veterinary student, so not only attractive female, but an attractive female with brains that we males, who are in charge of making family decisions about internet providers, are all supposed to want to whack off over. So naturally in this farce the fat ginger male blows his chance to impress her with a gaffe about being allergic to animals. Marvellous, women are empowered, men are all bumbling twats.

Cue some time later, male with shit hair is on the console in flat owners room...Flat owner is on his laptop...The female waltzes in does some mild flirting and smugly insults the owner again regards his obvious joke. Obvious joke is obvious woman, so take that smug look off your face or you'll taste my ring hand.

I hate adverts. They make me wish for the asteroid to come and finish us all off.