Skyfall

Watched Skyfall last night...45 minutes of adverts before the film. Forty-fucking-five minutes of people trying to sell me shit. Half the adverts were those pretentious ones that try to sell you an experience instead of a product.

The one that annoyed me the most was for Levi's jeans, because it featured some *cough* inspirational urban poetry about seizing control of life...Because you buy some jeans. Carpe Diem, you're wearing Denim, like 70% of the human race. YOLO so you may as well do it in a hard wearing fabric that has a massive price premium slapped onto it because it is branded. I notice that their Youtube channel has "Go Forth," as it's motto...Well, that is the start of the clean insult we used to use at school when we feared teachers. "Go forth and multiply." So go do it Levi's. You have ticked the A of AIDA with regards me.

But I'll never buy your over-priced pretentious product ever. I am immune to the Veblen Goods effect it seems, I go the other way on principle. BMW, never. AUDI, nope. Rolex, bollex. Cavier tastes like Jizz ("how do you know? etc etc), Champagne is nowhere near as refreshing as Asti Spumante.

Once again I want to yell at you all for not seeing the Emperor is stark bollock naked. I am sick of Planet Earth, and want to see humanity destroyed on the basis of that one crap advert alone. I would link it here but Levi's smugly ask you to subscribe in order to see their latest commercial. Oh...piss off with that, you're not that important, you are chiefly known for making jeans for heaven's sakes.

Oh, and the rest of the shit they were trying to flog was along these lines "buy this watch, it has 007 on it, here's the James Bond music..." or "buy this fragrance it has 007 on the bottle, so it makes you a beefcake secret agent...Oh and here's the music!"

I was so pissed off watching the clock tick round, and there were so many false dawns when I thought we were getting somewhere. The overly loud "this cinema has some loud speakers in it, designed by some cock (THX)," adverts that usually promise the movie is here gave me hope, but no. "There's still time for a coke!" followed by "turn your phone off," followed by more movie trailers for shitty ones about teenagers singing and dancing.

 The film was good...But after paying nearly a tenner for a seat on a Friday night, I don't want 45 minutes of utter shite before starting. At least some arsebeard didn't sit in front of me this time. That would have really gotten my goat.

Advert Lol

Since I usually spend several hours a day shouting at how piss poor adverts are these days...I figured I'd share some from a simpler time.

Listen up gents, they're telling you how to get laid...And it seems to involve smoke.

No need for that diet is there?

But if you do need a little help.

Patronising advert pillocks

Why do the Innocent smoothie people talk to me like I'm 12 and/or have recently suffered a severe head injury!

Examine the evidence

I can clearly see see numerous examples of toss English here that some marketing wazzock thinks is probably pally and hipster-ish. I just think you're a prick if you like this sort of thing, or think other people would.

Example
big cartons for big families.
smaller cartons for less big families.

Starting a sentence with lower case letters = one punch in the face.
'less big' = a lifetime of being endlessly punched by one awesome man.



smoothies made from nothing but nothing but fruit.

Again, no caps = balls put on grill
repeating nothing but = being made to stand in some hard-ass LA county jail courtyard, and yell the N word over and over until you're educated as to the meaning of diversity.

small people.

Just sod off. They're called children. Punishment is set at being torn apart by wild and rabid dogs.

Thing is, in the endless quest to imitate known brands, supermarkets also splash their smoothie cartons with similar patronising drivel. Tesco go on about "splodging together yummy fruits," ASDA enjoy telling us that they "throw in some zing as they mash together their fruits." The Sainsbury's carton was the most surprising though, it read "open wide, there you go, that was yummy wasn't it...And again, weee, there we go. Oops, dropped a bit let Mummy scoop it up for you...There we go...Doctor, do you think this damage is permanent only I'm sure I saw him smile just then like he used to, before the accident...I'm sure it was the same smile...He's still in there somewhere Doctor I know it...I'm sorry Mrs Wilkins but the damage is really quite severe...WHICH IS WHY WE TALK TO YOU THIS WAY YOU TWAT, YOUR BRAIN IS BROKEN SO YOU CAN ONLY RESPOND TO SIMPLE BABYISH ENGLISH YOU SMOOTHIE DRINKER YOU!