Apple Twats

So I see, another product launch from the favourite company of 'more money than sense' consumers has arrived. Needless to say these self same consumers, or Apple Twats as I like to call them, are all foaming at the mouth and queuing at the door of Apple stores.
This sickens me.
Queue for food? yes...queue for water? yes...Queue for a phone?...No!

Why do the media pander to this bullshit? Why take photographs of it? Why get the first people to buy the product to pose with a smug look on their face?
You wanna know what I think? Well you're reading this blog so I assume you do!
I think that this is a self exciting dynamo of media shit...You need somebody who is able to shout loud enough, to go down to the queue and yell "The Emperor is naked!" enough times so that people who have a smattering of knowledge, begin to think about what it is that they are doing, and perhaps choose to do something else more worthwhile with their cash, like buy a Samsung phone that is cheaper and better.

Apple always do this shit. They sell standard PC parts in a big special box, create a batch of hype about their OS and APs being better, and slap an enormous markup onto those self same PC parts. PC parts that if bought independently and assembled by yourself, can be turned into a dual boot Windows/MAC OS system for a few grand less than you paid for it. Hence if you buy a Mac, you have more money than sense. If you choose to use convenience as an argument, then you are thick and should learn how to use computers, it isn't difficult. A Mac will be equally confusing, bloated and unstable after your lack of knowledge has filled it full of shit.

Similar shit marketing is employed by most German manufacturers who rely on the 'German Engineering' tag to dupe the sheeple into falling into line and buying a BMW/AUDI, but we all know that if you choose to drive either of those cars then you're usually a wanker behind the wheel and fit only for rendering into cat meat.

Italia Driving

Lovely hols, lovely time.

A few observations about driving.

• Signage is a joke, it just peters out in many places, bless the sat-nav. But then again, I say that about any country that isn't the UK...but I grew up in Europe due to father in forces so not too blinkered.
• Men at work, usually stand around in live lanes, protected only by flags and Mother Mary.
• The police are cracking down on the poor reputation of Italian driving. Everywhere with speed cameras.
• Toll roads are nice and quiet except rush hour for obvious reasons.
• Painting of Jesus and or Mary, are secured in little shrines that overlook blind and dangerous junctions...Yes, because cosmic beings will grant you grace to drive safely over a crossroads without beeping, flashing your lights, looking or even slowing down.
• The National Trust would have a fit over there, beautiful Tuscan hill town, with a bloody great autostrada wrapped around it...Or the best one was the lovely church tower at Osia Sopra, that has a whopping great bridge over the motorway type Autogrill (services) slapped right in front of it.
• Driving is very much 'Will of God' kind of driving, rather than it being the fault of the drivers. Saw plenty of over turned cars with confused occupants being helped by crowds. Low speed overturnings...How?
• The authorities clean accidents off of the autostrada quickly. I only spent 45 mins waiting near Geneva, and then they convoyed us past tangled metal, over sanded surfaces. Not like the UK where it's 8 hours needing a piss before a surly policemen informs you that somebody has died. "Not my genes, you've probably taken them to the morgue by now and I need a wee!" is my ex-services answer. I'm never overly shocked by the attempted emotional punch. "Get the sand down and convoy us on our way please."
• I was nearly killed, several times...

I'll just share one example, from a very very long list.

Car in outside lane, slowly attempting to over-take me at about 1kph faster, on cruise control no doubt. Lorries in usual slow lane, I am in middle lane overtaking lorries.
I see another lorry attempting to join the lane to the right, lorry in slow lane in front of me just pulls into my lane mega early to allow lorry on, no warning to allow me to bleed off speed, luckily though I was already anticipating a situation and was going to pull into the 3rd lane.

The guy in 3rd overtaking lane couldn't give a damn about my predicament and had started to accelerate in order to block off my only escape route. Why did he do that? The utter tossbag.

I still pulled into the 3rd lane though becase I'd rather have a Fiat rear-end me than hit the back of a lorry. Numpty gets mad. Idiots.

In the UK, 99% of us would see that situation develop and back off to let the middle lane escape. Yet in Italy it seems that there is an astonishing lack of awareness or ability to perceive hazards. Will fo God I guess.

Severn Barrage

...and it's back from the dead again There are some cracking statements from all the usual suspects the beeb wheels out in order to have balance. The RSPB, Friends of the Earth etc. Environmentalists always make me chuckle when it comes to the need for renewables. They harp on and on about the need for less CO2 emissions and more renewables, and usually demonstrate their scientific ignorance by photoshopping mushroom clouds behind pictures of Sizewell B, but whenever the government puts a proposal forward they change the record and start bemoaning the damage caused by this project.

Turbines, wah wah visual intrusion, noise pollution, think of the birds.
Solar, wah wah the CO2 cost in constructing them, visual intrusion.
Hydro, wah wah the CO2 cost in constructing dams, the landscapes lost forever, think of the fish.
Barrage, wah wah the CO2 cost in constructing it, the landscape lost, think of the birds and fish and mudflats.

SHUT UP or get in the mass grave I've made you dig yourself. Progress is happening, and needs to happen to continue the species, either get on board or die out. What alternative do these environmentalists envision? Do they want progress to reverse? Or do they want nothing to happen, no baby steps, no progress, until BAM out of nowhere, replicators and fusion power...And Logan's Run.

Olympic End

Well. Loved every minute of it. What an awesome show. I just hope that the younger generation are more inspired by the deeds of the worlds athletes and Olympians more than they are over-paid, over-hyped, fucking worthless footballers. I love watching the English football team having its arse handed to it. You do not represent me, you represent the hordes of sheeple whom I loathe.

Moving swiftly on.


The closing ceremony was a bit of a mish-mash, as promised by the organisers, but I enjoyed most of it, even the music I nomrally hate...Although the repeating the same songs bit when it took too long to filter the athletes into the stadium...That was just dull.

What were Muse up to though? Matthew Bellamy chucking himself all over the shop as usual...Can't do that in the Olympic Stadium, it's about the athletes and volunteers, not you. Plus the lyrics appeared to be taken from some soviet era mantra. Seemed to go something like "I'll fuck you up...You'll not shit on me...Because I'll tear you a new hole...You piece of shit...I'll fuck you up!" repeat ad-infinitum (I may have exaggerated for comic effect here)

George Michael turning the stadium into the worlds biggest gay bar was quite entertaining. I could see, in my minds eye, the more repressed and barbaric medieval nations on the planet getting a bit uppity and censoring the coverage with some religious wailing and pictures of their ruler.

Did anyone else feel bad for the athletes? I'd have been weeing into a pint pot after the first hour...I would have had to forgo a drink prior to being herded into the flag segments.

Oh. and stomp...I've always loathed stomp since I saw them on Blue Peter when I was a lad...I hated the whole "oh look at this new art form," vibe about it. It hasn't improved.

Letting Brian May dick around with the Red Special was a nice touch, and boy does the world miss Freddie.

Nice little bit of Floyd, Wish you Were Here...Very apt. Sadly I'm not a royal or important so I couldn't get tickets to be there. Nick Mason lurking on drums though...But where was Gilmour?

Olympic fun

The opening ceremony was awesome. Defused my cynicism....

The events so far have been pleasing. The media has been whipping everybody up into a storm and then losing their shit when the 'mere' athletes fail to perform. Asian countries have been caught out cheating...it's what happens when you get too competitive and see the Olympics as 'yet another' chance to prove the mighty West isn't as mighty was it was. Why don't you chill out Asia, and stop viewing life as one big dick comparison...We might then make our way to Mars and beyond united, instead of perishing in the inevitable oil shortage induced nuclear fire.

Borris is his usual ebullient self. Even getting hung up on a zip-wire couldn't make him suffer a ratings bashing...If anything, the very fact he doesn't take anything seriously, and holds his hands up when things go wrong, and swears at Livingstone when riled etc...Well it just demonstrates a certain honesty to me. I much prefer people who wear their hearts on their sleeves, than slimy bastards like Blair and Cameron...You never know what slimy bastards are trying to hide. With Borris, it's already out in the open, and he's trodden it up and down the mat.

One thing that does entertain me is this...Hollande having a go at the UK re: our shortage of medals, and our winning the Olympics bid.

Since this news broke, the UK has overtaken France in the medals table; and whilst I do not care about medals...the very idea that a French President is using it as a length measuring device...Get stuffed you jealous chode. I do not even care if France overtake us again and are above us in the table at the end. I would rather the French President grew up a little though.

Oh and, well done Team GB.

My stand-up

Ah look.

I have been filmed now. Next time, I'll slow the pace down a little bit lol.

Comedy requires time to let people laugh, rather than steamroller them with the next gag before they've had a chance to process the info. Thing is, my mind was running at my normal air-traffic speed and thus, I outpace you peasants.

It's here, it's finally here!

Finally, after months of torrid tedious rain, we have our dose of sunshine for 2012. Just makes me chuckle that when I last looked, thunderstorms were predicted to coincide with the opening ceremony of the Olympics. Ah British weather, you have to have the last laugh.

But, what did I hear today? Lots of people whinging about how hot it was, and how uncomfortable they felt. You utter toss-bags! Think back a week...Just remember it. Wall to wall drizzle, damp and cold! Think about how much worse your mood was. Think about how depressing it is to have to bundle yourself up at home and have to seriously consider putting the heating on in July. Now, look out of your window, see the wall to wall blue sky and just think "Mmmmm, nice!" Because I am. I'm going for an ice-cream. F**k you all you miserable bastards.